How do you improve love and relationships? If you are in a relationship with someone you love and adore, regardless of whether you are married or not, it can bring you either sheer joy or grievous pain.
Love in any relationship brings with it many expectations and much hope. Being loved unconditionally is the paramount dream of a great many people. When you are loved unconditionally it means you are accepted for whom and for what you are; having a sense of belonging and acceptance; the feeling of being protected and safe; but most of all it means deep rooted intimacy, romance and passion united by an everlasting bond.
But in time love and the relationship may get onto the wrong pathway. Hope dies and in place of love comes anger, frustration and loneliness. When you are in the honeymoon phase of your relationship, feelings are often based on lust and the illusion that the two of you will get together as one. But as time passes by this perfect image fades and the dream is ruined.
The fact is that the two people involved in a relationship are different. They have different needs, different expectations and different directions. However it is important to understand that the disenchantment that follows the discovery of this reality is expected, and is an unavoidable step on the pathway to finding true love and happiness. You just need to work on it.
Even with the best intentions, all relationships can gradually run down. Early pleasures become common place and boring, minor flaws become major faults, little eccentricities become really irritating. To overcome this it is necessary to give each other little pleasures occasionally – the meaningful complement, a phone call to say I love you, a walk hand in hand in the park, flowers, or a romantic dinner are just some examples.
So how can you improve love and relationships? Is it commitment to the strength of your romantic dream, an alignment of your value systems, appropriate communication skills, or is it just matter of luck?
Some say that the success of love and relationships is directly related to the evolutionary theory and to leadership. Leadership is the secret to a successful relationship. Males are programmed genetically to be leaders. It goes back to the caveman days and involves the hunter instinct. When a man and a woman first meet the hunter mode is very strong in him. He shows off his leadership skills – he asks her out; he pays for the meal; he opens the door; he asks for her hand in marriage.
Because of these biological instincts, women are subconsciously attracted to this leadership behaviour – they fall head over heels in love with this potential husband; this provider; this potential father of their children. The truth is that this genetic programming makes sure that mankind survives.
The secret to saving a marriage lies in building attraction, not in solving problems. It is a fact that woman are driven more by emotion than logic. Therefore men, if you are always apologizing, discussing, compromising, grovelling or begging, it is like water off a duck’s back – it just washes over a woman and may even kill the attraction you have for each other.
I am not saying that communication is not important. It goes without saying that an effective leader will have good communication skills. In all relationships or leadership roles it is necessary to have good effective communication skills such as:
- Effective listening skills – understand your partner and have empathy. Good listening makes certain that you keep in tune with your partner and see your relationship through their eyes. When you listen well to what your partner is saying you are actually saying that you care.
The ability to express your feelings properly, and the ability to understand your partner’s feeling without judgement. Be assertive rather than passive when expressing your emotions. Really care about what your partner is feeling.
A clean communication style – avoid things like being judgemental, blame, accusations, put downs, threats, bringing up old history, negative comparisons. Address the action not the person.
Good negotiation skills – people negotiate with their partner constantly. It is a process where it is decided about how the things in the relationship will be done, i.e. housework, disciplining children or buying a new house. Negotiations need to be fair allowing both partners to achieve their goals without manipulation, hurt or regret.
A constructive, healthy conflict resolution method. Deal with old conflicts and resentments and put them to bed and then develop some strategies to deal with current problems effectively. Take time out if necessary to stop fights escalating into verbal or physical abuse.
It is also important to learn how to cope with anger, whether you are the aggressor or the victim, because anger damages intimate relationships. Anger which can be openly aggressive or disguised as passive aggressive, creates emotional scars which worsen with every outburst, interfering with both intimacy and trust. Emotional abuse has the same effects as physical abuse on a person.
So what do you have to do to build attraction and to develop an appropriate couple system to save your marriage? You need to work on the male’s leadership skills and rekindle the hunter instinct in him so that he becomes that amazing, compelling, dynamic, charismatic leader she was attracted to at first. And then the female’s biology will take care of the rest. Your sex drive will be reactivated and you will both fall wildly madly in love again. Every argument can turn into a passionate love making session!
And the good thing is that it is never too early or too late to learn new skills which will help you to have the ideal relationship. Everyone needs to work on their relationship skills – new lovers, partnerships of several years and even partners who are already going through difficulties with the relationship and it seems that there is no hope of keeping the love and the relationship alive.
Love and relationships takes hard work, but it is important to work smarter not harder on them to achieve a long, happy, passionate and successful relationship.